Wooden Heart

I want to give this an introduction but I don't really know what to say about it. I just feel like it should be included in the Love section. Clear away distractions and just listen. I included the lyrics so you can read what he says, but I'd recommend listening it once without the lyrics to just absorb it, and then go back and listen again reading along with the lyrics.



We’re all born to broken people on their most honest day of living
and since that first breath... We’ll need grace that we’ve never given
I've been haunted by standard red devils and white ghosts
and it's not only when these eyes are closed
these lies are ropes that I tie down in my stomach,
but they hold this ship together tossed like leaves in this weather
and my dreams are sails that I point towards my true north,
stretched thin over my rib bones, and pray that it gets better
but it won’t won’t, at least I don’t believe it will...
so I've built a wooden heart inside this iron ship,
to sail these blood red seas and find your coasts.
don’t let these waves wash away your hopes
this war-ship is sinking, and I still believe in anchors
pulling fist fulls of rotten wood from my heart, I still believe in saviors
but I know that we are all made out of shipwrecks, every single board
washed and bound like crooked teeth on these rocky shores
so come on and let’s wash each other with tears of joy and tears of grief
and fold our lives like crashing waves and run up on this beach
come on and sew us together, tattered rags stained forever
we only have what we remember

I am the barely living son of a woman and man who barely made it
but we’re making it taped together on borrowed crutches and new starts
we all have the same holes in our hearts...
everything falls apart at the exact same time
that it all comes together perfectly for the next step
but my fear is this prison... that I keep locked below the main deck
I keep a key under my pillow, it’s quiet and it’s hidden
and my hopes are weapons that I’m still learning how to use right
but they’re heavy and I’m awkward...always running out of fight
so I’ve carved a wooden heart, put it in this sinking ship
hoping it would help me float for just a few more weeks
because I am made out of shipwrecks, every twisted beam
lost and found like you and me scattered out on the sea
so come on let’s wash each other with tears of joy and tears of grief
and fold our lives like crashing waves and run up on this beach
come on and sew us together, just some tattered rags stained forever
we only have what we remember

My throat it still tastes like house fire and salt water
I wear this tide like loose skin, rock me to sea
if we hold on tight we’ll hold each other together
and not just be some fools rushing to die in our sleep
all these machines will rust I promise, but we'll still be electric
shocking each other back to life
Your hand in mine, my fingers in your veins connected
our bones grown together inside
our hands entwined, your fingers in my veins braided
our spines grown stronger in time
because are church is made out of shipwrecks
from every hull these rocks have claimed
but we pick ourselves up, and try and grow better through the change
so come on yall and let’s wash each other with tears of joy and tears of grief
and fold our lives like crashing waves and run up on this beach
come on and sew us together, were just tattered rags stained forever
we only have what we remember

Gala Darling on Radical Self Love

Ways to Love Well

Truly Listen- Truly listening takes a lot more work than we are typically used to. We often do as little true listening as possible, only trying to catch the important bits, or sit there, not listening, but formulating our own response. When communicating with a loved one, don't just sit there waiting until it's time for you to talk, truly focus and pay attention to what the other person is saying.

Spend Quality Time- Put away the computer, turn off your smart phone, and just focus on spending time with each other. I saw a travel ad in the airline magazine on a flight recently with a photo of two people on a beach at sunset and it said, "sometimes you need to disconnect in order to re-connect," and I agree whole heartedly. Set aside time to really spend time focused on the other person, truly listening, and also truly sharing. Talk about your hopes, dreams, fears. And also, just have fun! Love doesn't have to be all work and no play. Sometimes quality time isn't serious, but just goofing off and enjoying the company of the other person.

Be Independent- A good relationship will only exist between two people who are strong and independent. While dependence might seem romantic, it actually infantilizes people rather than promoting growth. The more you're dependent on someone else, the less of yourself you have to offer, and the more your relationship becomes parasitic. You aren't nurturing your own or the other person's spiritual growth when there's dependency involved. Be in your growth zone! Take leaps into the unknown! It will grow you as a person, and your relationship will become richer and richer as you grow!

Commit Yourself Wholly- Ultimately, to love well, you have put all your chips in. You have to stop holding out on the other person waiting to see if maybe something better will come along, or waiting to see if "things work" out or not. I can't remember what movie this is from, but in a proposal scene the guy makes a terrible proposal and says, "Sometimes you just have to shit or get off the pot, you know?" and even though that's an awful way to propose to someone, I agree with him. True love means saying, I'm here, I'm in it with you for the long haul. Committing to someone is a big deal and shouldn't be taken lightly, but I believe that real love can only flourish in an environment where neither person is looking around for better options, and is fully present in nourishing the relationship.

Criticize Lovingly- Be thoughtful and reflective when criticizing, don't just speak in anger or say the first thing that comes to mind. Because I'm better at writing I usually try to write out my thoughts or criticisms before I bring them up. Writing it out can give you time to process what you're really thinking and feeling, and can help you to figure out exactly how to say what you mean. A lot of conflicts arise from miscommunication, so avoiding that, especially when you're offering a criticism, is very important.

Control Emotions Healthily- This is a huge part of self-discipline. Emotions are powerful things, and can be nearly impossible to control at times (oh hey, PMS). I know I'm not that great at expressing my emotions logically or healthily at times, and it almost always causes pain or conflict in my relationships. That's where the self-discipline comes in. You wouldn't expect a wild horse to do what you want it to do, whenever you want, unless you've trained that horse and honed it's strength through discipline. I'm often caught off guard by crazy emotions, but I realize, retrospectively usually, that I don't spend a lot of time disciplining myself to control those emotions in a healthy way.

Encourage Separateness- Have your own interests and hobbies. Doing things together is great, but it's also nice to have something that is just your own. Even try to have your own space in your home (if space allows), even if it's just a desk or a corner where you have your own chair where you read or write.

Cultivate a healthy "base camp"- While it's important to be independent, it's also important to create and environment together which functions like a base camp "from which adventures can emerge and where adventurers seek nurturing," as Peck says. "If one wants to climb mountains, one must have a good base camp, a place where there are shelters and provisions, where one may receive nurture and rest before one ventures forth again to seek another summit." Our lives are adventures, and we each have a separate destiny to fulfill and create. I find that those adventures and destinies are enriched by love and commitment and partnership inherent in relationship, and that a great relationship will help each other on to those individual destinies.

Struggle Together- A huge part of love is supporting one another through struggles. This takes empathy, as you might not be experiencing the same struggle at once. For instance, my husband might be struggling with work, or have a lot of stress, but I might be feeling very good about my job and not stressed at all. Regardless of my own personal experience at the time, I should get down there on my knees with him through the struggle, supporting and encouraging. And he should do the same for me. In relationship, one person's struggle will inherently become a mutual struggle. If two horses are yoked together pulling a cart and one is stumbling, the other horse feels the struggle and instinctively pulls harder to support the load.

Self-Discipline - Any truly loving relationship is a disciplined relationship. Self-discipline stems from self love-- loving yourself enough to recognize that your time and efforts are worth something, because you are worth something. This naturally transitions into loving others. If you love yourself enough to discipline yourself to do things which you know are good for yourself, that discipline should translate over into loving others in a disciplined way.

Ways to love yourself

Be active- find something that you love doing that gets your blood pumping. It'll send endorphins through your body that'll make you feel great!

Get enough sleep

Give yourself technology-free days- sometimes we let technology take over our lives. Gotta check twitter, check facebook, write a blog post, pin pretty pictures, text friends, etc. etc. Give yourself days off and unplug from it all. It gives you time to reevaluate your priorities and focus on what you really want to be doing with your time, instead of checking facebook 10 times in a row.

Laugh at yourself

Don't pay attention to scales-I haven't owned a scale.. well ever, but I haven't had access to one since I moved out of my parents' house and I haven't missed it one bit. I know when I feel healthy and when I feel lethargic or lazy. I don't need to obsess over a number, and having a scale anywhere nearby just invites you to step onto it and start feel bad about yourself. If you absolutely need to have a scale or are working on losing weight, just don't keep it where you can see it. Put it away until you do your weekly weigh in or however you do it for yourself personally.

Do that thing you've been avoiding- whether it's an awkward conversation, getting your oil changed, replying to emails, returning a phone call, whatever, just get it over with. It's more frustrating to have it hanging over your head than to just get it done with! Once you do it, you'll feel great to have it out of the way!

Wear bright colors- bring a little sunshine into the world!

Ask for help- I have a problem with asking people for help. I'm often too proud to ask for help, or just want to figure it out on my own. But there are people out there who know more than me about certain things, and I should tap that well of knowledge to my own benefit. Plus, other people often have a different perspective on things than you and can offer a solution or idea that you may have never come up with on your own!

Find role models who inspire you

Embrace who you are- There's no one else like you! Why try to be a bad copy of someone else, when you can be the best you that there ever was?

Tell people you love them- You don't have to do it in a traditional way, but let the people in your life who you love know that you love them!

Be friendly- I'm not a natural smiler... My face kind of just rests at a sort of countenance which ranges from disinterested to slightly unhappy. But I find that when I smile at people, whether it be passers by when I'm walking, or the checker at the grocery store, the smile seems to make them feel happier, and in turn, I feel happier... and so I smile more. Nice cycle eh?

Go through your things and get rid of stuff you don't need- I'm terrible at this. I always think, "well what if I want that thing in 6 months and have gotten rid of it!?" Guess what, self, it's not a big deal! I actually can't remember a time when that's happened.

Have compassion- Someone is tailgating you in traffic? Maybe they're late for a super important job interview, maybe they need to catch the ferry, maybe they just aren't paying attention. One of my friends always likes to tell herself that maybe the person is in labor and trying to get to the hospital, haha! Have compassion on others, you never know what battle they're fighting on that day.

Dance in your underwear- I love to do this. Usually it happens spontaneously, and not necessarily in my underwear, but it's so much fun! Turn on some music that makes your booty shake uncontrollably and get down with your bad self! Plus, it'll make you feel secretly sexy, which is such a powerful feeling! Whenever I dance like that it's like I feel like I could seduce anyone on the planet with my moves!

For more amazing ways to love yourself, check out Gala Darling's huge list!

On Falling in "Love"

As I've mentioned before, for this course we're working with M. Scott Peck's definition of love, which is, "The will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's sopritual growth." At the beginning of his section on Falling in "Love" he writes,

Of all the misconceptions about love the most powerful and pervasive is the belief that "falling in love" is love or at least one of the manifestations of love. It is a potent misconception, because falling in love is subjectively experienced in a very powerful fashion as as an experience of love. when a person falls in love what he or she certainly feels is "I love him" or "I love her." But two problems are immediately apparent. The first is that the experience of falling in love is specifically a sex-linked erotic experience. We do not fall in love with our children, even though we may love them very deeply... we fall in love only when we are consciously or unconsciously sexually motivated. The second problem is that the experience of falling in love is invariably temporary. No matter whom we fall in love with, we sooner or later fall out of love if the relationship continues long enough. This is not to say that we invariably cease loving the person with who we fell in love. But it is to say that the feeling of ecstatic lovingness that characterizes the experience of falling in love always passes. The honeymoon always ends. The bloom of romance always fades.

Our culture is obsessed with falling in love. So much so that they glorify it in almost all avenues. Movies, music, advertising, television, theater. And it makes sense, because the feeling of falling in love is overwhelmingly powerful at times. We feel in in the deepest parts of ourselves and naturally assume that because this feeling is so deep and all consuming, it must be true love.

When we fall in love, we lose a sense of self. Because the feeling is all consuming, we want to give ourselves over to it, lose ourselves in it. The feeling of being united with another person is exhilarating, thrilling, and sexually stimulating. But ultimately, falling in love is another way to lose yourself in someone else. We have this sense of unity with something other than ourselves and it gives us a sense of belonging and comfort, and we merge our identity with another person's. As Peck says,

The sudden release of oneself from oneself, the explosive pouring out of oneself into the beloved, and the dramatic surcease of loneliness accompanying this collapse of ego boundaries is experienced by most of us as ecstatic. We and our beloved are one! Loneliness is no more! ... All things seem possible! United with our beloved we feel we can conquer all obstacles. We believe that the strength of our love will cause the forces of opposition to bow down in submission and melt away into darkness.

Doesn't that sound like the plot line to many a great love story? Our culture holds up this idea of a love which is unsustainable and isn't actually love at all. Eventually the feeling of unity will fade as we rediscover our separateness. Different likes, different preferences, different friends, different passions in life. That rediscovery can often be coupled with immense fear and private distress that they aren't one, but that they are distinct individuals. This sense is often perceived as falling out of love. "At this point they begin either to dissolve the ties of their relationship or to initiate the work of real loving."

Real loving. The work of real loving. I feel like I don't see that in movies and songs quite so much. The daily grind of loving another, distinct, and unique human being. When I see elderly couples who still love each other after sixty years of working at love, I see more beauty than in any flashy couple hot for each other at the age of 20. Of course, this is not to say that 20 year olds can't truly love, but in older couples I see the love in the wrinkles in their skin and the twinkle in their eyes. It's as if love has come into them and is something they wear on their skin. Truly beautiful. But I digress.

One of my favorite lines from Peck's section on falling in love is this: "Real love often occurs in a context in which the feeling of love is lacking." That is a litmus test for real love if I ever saw it. It's so easy to act lovingly towards someone when you're feeling all twitterpated and lovey-dovey. It's quite another thing to love when everything inside you doesn't want to. Real love, contrary to falling in love, is a permanently self-enlarging experience (remember talking about growth zones?). Even though we often feel like our boundaries and limits are extending when we are falling in love, the opposite is true. It's easy to fall in love. It takes no effort at all and can often happen when we're least expecting it, or at inconvenient times. "We can choose how to respond to the experience of falling in love, but we cannot choose the experience itself... Falling in love has little to do with purposively nurturing one's spiritual development."

Falling in love is something that will happen in life, and probably already has for most of you. What's important, though, is choosing what do to with that experience. I'll leave you with one last quote from Peck:

A true acceptance of their own and each other's individuality and separateness is the only foundation upon which a mature [relationship] can be based and real love can grow.

All quotes from The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck.

What Love is and is not

On a daily basis, we're almost force fed a concept of love which is completely inaccurate and misleading. TV shows, movies, pop songs, celebrity marriages, magazines... they all perpetuate a concept of love which is inaccurate at best, and completely harmful to relationships at worst, and the fact that so many marriages fail is a testament to this.

Again, we're working with M. Scott Peck's definition of love in this section, as I believe it's one of the most complete definitions: The will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth. When we hold up behavior against this framework of love, it's much easier to see what is and isn't real love.

What love isn't:

Self-Sacrifice- if it’s harmful to yourself, it’s not growth. Have you guys heard the song by Bruno Mars titled Grenade? In the song he tells a story about this girl he "loves" who treats him terribly, hurts him multiple times and yet he still tells her that he would catch a grenade for her. The relationship is obviously harmful to both parties, but he insists

"black and blue
Beat me 'til I'm numb
Tell the devil I said "Hey" when you get back to where you're from
Mad woman, bad woman
That's just what you are
Yeah, you smile in my face then rip the brakes out my car"

He clearly has no respect for this woman, she's hurt him intensely and while he says he would die for her, he also acknowledges that she wouldn't do the same for him. But this is the message we hear every day blasting out of our radios.

When we give too much of ourselves, we actually have less with which to love others, not more. We are less capable of loving, not more capable.

Cathexis- You've probably heard about something being "cathartic"– that is, you're purging yourself of something. Perhaps you burned all your school assignments after finishing your final exam, or you got rid of all the old clothes you don't like anymore and gave them to a thrift store. Well, cathexis is the opposite. Cathexis is the process of integrating something into yourself. It's the process of investing mental or emotional energy into a person, object or idea. Oftentimes when we do this we let our ego boundaries collapse and lose ourselves in the other person and the feeling of "love." Love does require cathexis at the start, as we can only love that which has importance for us, but it is important to not mistake cathexis for love.

A Feeling- Many people who have a feeling of love act in countless ways which are not loving. The song above is probably an example of someone who feels strongly about another, but isn't actually expressing real love. Acting in response to feelings can cause us to act in all sorts of destructive ways. In high school I believed I loved a boy and it made me act in all sorts of ways which were destructive, despite the fact that I felt, quite strongly, like I loved him. In retrospect, I see that what I was feeling was just that- a feeling. If love is a feeling then we're all doomed. Feelings are so undependable and can flip 180º in a moment.

Falling in love- This is a powerful misconception that is extremely pervasive. Many relationships fail because the two people fell out of love. Some frantically try to seek out this feeling again, oftentimes finding it with other people. Upon succeeding to find the feeling of "falling in love" with another person, they believe that they must've just gotten it wrong the first time, leave the person they're with (if they're still with him/her) and pursue a relationship with the new person... until they inevitably fall out of love again.

Dependency- Another huge misconception about love is that love and dependency are intertwined. This is the kind of thing that leads people to believe they simply can't live without the person they "love." In high school I dated someone who was extremely dependent. The feeling of being trapped in a relationship because the other person tells you they can't live without you is horrifying. Dependency is never love, in fact, it's quite the opposite. Creatures who need other creatures in order to survive are called parasites, and I believe that dependency in a relationship is just that– parasitic. People who are dependent, are always looking to someone else to fill them, to give them meaning and purpose. They feel incomplete without the other person. While that might sound romantic to some, in actuality it's incredibly unhealthy for both people involved.

Effortless- For some reason we tend to think that if something is "right" then it won't take any effort at all. That all the pieces will just fall into place and things will happen as they should. If only that were true. It's highly unromantic to think about love being hard work, yet real love is definitely labor-intensive. When you love someone truly, though, and are extending yourself to nurture your own, or another's, spiritual growth, it's highly fulfilling labor!

What love is:

Effortful- Love takes work. Hard work. Talk to anyone who's been in a relationship for a few decades and they'll tell you. The idea that true love should be effortless is deeply flawed.

Self-enlarging- When you love someone, you extend yourself outward in order to love them, rather than collapsing your self. Think about it in terms of the comfort/growth zones. When we truly love, we're extending ourselves into our growth zones. As we extend into our growth zone, we are permanently enlarged because of it.

Separateness- At the core of real love is acceptance of of each other's individuality and separateness. And taking joy in this separateness! No matter what we want to believe about love, two people will always be just that. Two separate individuals. While the unity of marriage or a relationship will form a strong bond between two individuals, failing to recognize separateness will almost always destroy a relationship. "Love is the free exercise of choice. Two people are only capable of truly loving each other when they are quite capable of living without each other, but choose to live with each other."

The Risk of Loss- Choosing to love, is inevitably inviting the risk of loss. There's a risk that the other person could change, or suddenly decide they don't want to be with you any more, or they will die eventually. We do a lot of things in our lives to avoid the pain of loss. Choosing love is an act of courage. "Courage is not the absence of fear; it is the making of action in spite of fear, the moving out against the resistance engendered by fear into the unknown and into the future... a full life will be full of pain. But the only alternative is not to live fully or not to live at all."

The Risk of Independence- Independence is risky. When you are dependent, someone else has taken over the uncomfortable task of making decisions for you and you live a life more "safe" but less fulfilling. Real love requires you to love yourself enough to take the risk of independence. I remember when I was dating that guy in high school how "unsafe" breaking up with him felt. It took independence on my part to stand up for myself and break up with a person who wasn't healthy for me.

The Risk of Commitment- Commitment is vital to any long-term relationship. Commitment is what creates a safe place within a relationship to struggle over issues knowing that those issues aren't going to destroy the relationship. Commitment says, "I'm willing to stick it out with you, to do the work of loving and to not give up."

The Risk of Confrontation- I greatly dislike confrontation. Especially when I was younger I avoided conflict and confrontation like the plague. But true love requires healthy confrontation. If I am being mean, it is healthy for my husband to lovingly confront me about my mean behavior. "When a parent confronts a child, saying, 'You are being sneaky,' the parent is saying in effect, 'Your sneakiness is wrong and I am right...for the truly loving person the act of criticism or confrontation does not come easily; to such a person it is evident that the act has great potential for arrogance." Inherent in this loving criticism, however, is humility and a willingness to help one another grow. Growth doesn't always come without pain, and confrontation is one thing which will almost always feel painful, but which can promote much growth.

Your communication language

One of the main themes of this course is understanding that you have a unique language with which you speak and feel and communicate. We've talked about it with how you feel supported, your love language, and now, your communication language. So much of love is about communication. You need to understand yourself and how you communicate, but you also need to understand how others might communicate as well. You might remember a kid in elementary school who was the "class clown" and was always being silly with people and getting in trouble for not following rules or being quiet. Maybe you were that kid! Or you might remember the person who would take charge in group projects and got everything done, the person who was doing doing doing. These are both examples of ways we communicate. Of course, by communication I don't mean just speaking. Most of our communication is done non-verbally, and that's where we get in trouble.\The Process Communication Model is what we'll be working from in this session. What is the PCM?

According to the research of psychologist, Taibi Kahler (1988), each of us possesses a personality structure made up of six distinct personality types. The relative strength of each type differs from person to person. No type is smarter or better than any other type. via ascd.org

So what are the six types of personalities?

Personality Type	Characteristics	Needs
Feeler	Compassionate, Sensitive, Warm	Recognition of person; Sensory
Thinker	Responsible, Logical, Organized	Recognition for work; Time structure
Believer	Dedicated, Observant Conscientious	Recognition for work; Conviction
Dreamer	Reflective, Imaginative, Calm	Solitude
Funster	Spontaneous, Creative, Playful	Playful physical contact
Do-er	Persuasive, Adaptable, Charming	Incidence (action)

The process communication model teaches that none of us are just one of those personality types. We probably have a dominant one or two (similar to the love languages), but ultimately we possess all of those traits at differing levels. For instance, I am primarily a Dreamer, and then probably my secondary traits are Do-er and Funster, and I don't identify very much with the Believer and Feeler descriptions.

Here are some more involved descriptions of the different personality types, so you can figure out which ones you (and loved ones) may primarily possess:

Dreamers
* Make contact with the world by reflecting and imagining
* Need privacy and their own space
* Are reflective, imaginative, and calm
* Have the ability to be introspective
* Work well with things, tasks, and work requiring hand skill
* Prefer to be alone and like work environments which provide solitude
* Are externally motivated for goals
* Prefer clear, concise direction without emotion or intimidation
* Like precise commands with specific time frames
* Are recharged with solitude: time and space alone to refocus
* In times of stress:

• Withdraw and does not take initiative to make independent decisions.
• Believe they are not OK and others are OK.
• Generally do not initiate communication.
• Feel inadequate or unimportant
• Believe others can make them feel bad
• Believe other people or things are in charge of their thoughts and feelings

Believers
* Make contact with the world by evaluating and judging it.
* Prize values, loyalty and commitment
* Are dedicated, conscientious, and observant
* Have an ability to share opinions, beliefs, and judgements
* Focus and work well alone, but also look for others with whom to share opinions and discuss values
* Are internally motivated for goals
* Prefer to weigh in with their opinions and values, and want decision-making to be consistent and meaningful
* Desire confirmation that their dedication, commitment, and hard work is noticed.
* Want their beliefs respected, and an invitation to share their opinions
* Will often focus on what's wrong instead of what's right
* Need recognition of work
* In times of stress:

• Ask complicated, overly detailed questions, expecting others to answer precisely (i.e., be perfect)
• push beliefs
• attack
• believe they are OK and others are not
• believe they can make others feel bad to get what they want
• express righteousness, arrogance, and/or suspicion
• critical and distrustful of those who don't believe the same

Do-ers
* Take in the world by experiencing situations and making things happen
* Generally charming and use persuasion and charisma
* Prizes resourcefulness and self-sufficiency
* Are adaptable, charming, and persuasive
* Have an ability to be firm, direct, and resourceful.
* Are directors who give imperatives. They command and direct without attack or intimidation
* Prefer to move from group to group, looking for excitement and opportunity.
* Prefer small groups and cliques.
* Are externally motivated for goals
* Prefer precise, task-oriented direction that leads to action
* Need plenty of action, healthy competition, challenge, and risk
* In times of stress:

• Withdraw support and leaves teammates to fend for themselves
• Blame
• Manipulate
• Believe they are OK and others are not OK
• Believe they can make others feel bad to get what they want
• Express emotions such as vindictive anger and jealousy
• Creates negative drama and bends/breaks the rules

Feelers
* Experience the world through their emotions, with guidance from their heart
* Value family, friendships, and compassion
* Are compassionate, sensitive, and warm
* Have the ability to nurture and give to others.
* Are good at creating harmony
* Have a warm and welcoming smile
* Are natural comforters who nurture or support with caring.
* Often have open and accepting gestures and posture
* Like being with others (family, work groups, clubs, organizations)
* Are most energized when they are with people they like, and with whom they feel comfortable.
* Internally motivated for goals
* Prefer a caring and supportive leader who joins them in their work
* Want to feel cared for and valued as a person, offered affirmation, support and empathy.
* Need acceptance without strings, conditions, or performance required
* Want to be appreciated and included as part of the group
* Prefer an environment that is pleasant to look at, melodious, comfortable, and relaxing
* In times of stress:

• Over adapt, aren't assertive and won't ask directly for what they want
• Are hesitant and doesn't make firm decisions which might hurt someone else's feelings
• Feel like they are not OK and others are OK
• Believe that others can make them feel bad so they will do what others want out of guilt or shame
• Express feelings of sadness, confusion, or worry, rather than authentic anger.
• Make mistakes
• Invite criticism
• Lack assertiveness
• Experience self-doubt

Funsters
* Make contact with the world through unfiltered likes and dislikes
* Value humor, originality, and authenticity
* Are spontaneous, creative, and playful
* Have the ability to be novel and to enjoy the present
* Express emotion
* Are spontaneous, unfiltered, and playful
* Can express healthy positive or negative emotions
* Prefer small groups, cliques, or two or more buddies
* Are energized by having fun with small groups of people they like
* Are externally motivated for goals
* Prefer a non-directive, unstructured environment that invites each person to take on as much responsibility as they can handle
* Are emotive and offer an energetic, animated, and non-teasing exchange
* Need an environment that is lively
* Want upbeat, stimulating interactions with others and the world around them
* In times of stress:

• Do not answer questions directly
• Invite others to think or do for them by seeming not to understand
• Will often delegate inappropriately and haphazardly
• Blame
• Believe they are OK and others are not
• Belive they can make others feel bad to get what they want
• Express emotions such ass vengeful anger and boredom
• Are unaccountable

Thinkers
* Make contact with the world by gathering data, thinking about it, analyzing it, connecting it, and drawing logical conclusions.
* Value logic, data, and information
* Are logical, responsible, and organized
* Have the ability to think logically. To take in facts and create new ideas
* Prefer one-on-one interactions or to be alone
* Seek organization and efficiency. While their space may not always look orderly to others, they have a system and can find what they want
* Are internally motivated for goals
* Prefer to weigh in with their ideas and analyses, and want decision-making to be fair and logical
* Like to be asked about their thoughts and ideas
* Need recognition of work and time structure
* Desire confirmation. They seek that what they have done is noticed and appreciated
* Are goal and achievement oriented
* Need to know what is to be done and when. Being on time and using time efficiently is important
* In times of stress:

• Make complicated or over-qualifying statements by using big words or over-explaining
• Does not delegate well and micromanages.
• Attacks
• Are overcontrolling
• Think they are OK and others are not
• Act as if they are smarter and can think better than others
• Think they can make others feel bad in order that they will think more clearly
• Express emotions such as frustration and rage
• Are critical of people who are irresponsible, tardy, make mistakes, or are unorganized or unprepared

You'll probably identify with a few of those personality types, but usually one or two will stick out as your dominant communication methods. Knowing these methods of communication can help tremendously when interacting with others. These different personality types will need to be encouraged, supported, and loved in different ways. Here are some examples of ways which you can support people who exhibit certain personality types more dominantly:

Dreamers:

* Offer them solitude

• "Work on this project on your own for two hours. Come tomorrow with two questions"
• "Go to your office, reflect for one hour and come back at 3 pm"
• "Reflect on the question. Come tomorrow with any discussion points"

Believers:

*Offer them recognition of Work and Conviction:

• "I admire your conviction"
• "Your hard work and dedication is appreciated"
• "I admire how you adhere to your beliefs"
• "I respect your beliefs"
• "I value your opinions"

Do-ers:

* Offer them incidence:

• "You're the one that can make it happen"
• "Get the work done, go home early."
• "Go tell them directly"
• "Take the lead here"
• "Tell me your plan"
• "Make it happen:

Feelers:

* Offer them recognition of sensory needs

• "You are an important part of this group"
• "Being with you is the most important thing"
• "We care about you"
• "No matter what we do, let's do it together"
• "I appreciate you being here"
• "I care about how you feel"

Funsters:

* Offer contact

• "Lets take a break!"
• Physical contact, such as a high-five
• Avoid power-struggles, move forward with playful problem solving
• "I don't like it either"
• "Wow, this stuff is hard!"

Thinkers:

* Offer recognition of work and time

• "Thank you so much for your hard work"
• "I really appreciate your organizational skills"
• "I value how attentive you are to details."
• "We benefit from all your ideas and hard work."

Something interesting to note is that we all have all six of these personality types within us. We can access all of them, but we won't be very capable of accessing the ones which we least identify with if our main personality type isn't being fulfilled. So, for instance, I'm mostly a Dreamer, but I can access the Feeler parts of me. However, if I'm stressed out or am not able to have my alone/reflection time, it will be very hard for me to be able to stretch myself into that part of my personality. This is why it's very important to make sure you're giving yourself what you need to recharge. You will be significantly less able to communicate effectively to others with personality types different than yours if you aren't first taking care of yourself!

This is why self-sacrifice and love aren't the same thing. If you're sacrificing yourself, you won't be able to love others fully. Instead, think of it as expanding yourself. You're expanding yourself into the areas that don't come naturally to you in order to love and communicate with someone else in their love/communication language. But you won't be able to expand yourself if you haven't first "filled your tank" by doing what you need to recharge. If you're running on empty, you're going to have a very hard time expanding into those unnatural areas, as you won't have enough of yourself to expand! You'll be spread too thin, as they say. As Ru Paul says, "If you can't love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love somebody else?" It can sound like a trite saying if you just take it at face value, but when you look at it through the lenses of love languages and process communication personality types, it makes total sense! We have to first and foremost know ourselves and then seek to understand how others communicate and feel. Once we understand all of that, we'll be much better lovers of both ourselves and others!

If you want to look more into PCM, here are a few links. I took most of the definitions from the PocketPCM iPhone app, which is a pretty handy little app for quickly looking up the PCM personality types!

Process Communication Model: An effective tool to motivate all students

Personality Structure

Isn't PCM just another way to stereotype people?

Brilliance Defined

Journal: how do you communicate?

After reading through this morning's post, have you determined which of the personality types are your dominant ones? I've found that it's pretty easy to see which personality type someone is based on how they react in times of stress. If you're having a hard time determining your primary personality type(s), think back to a time when you felt under pressure or stressed out and see how you reacted. That will likely say a lot about what your main personality types are.

For this journal I want to you look back and think about how your personality type(s) has expressed itself and how others have made you feel because of it. For instance, do people make you feel like you're not smart because you're a funster, or that you're to much inside your head because you're a dreamer? Also think about how you may have treated people in a way that wasn't supportive of their personality type. I liked this story about how people came together to support a kid according to her personality type because they recognized her personal needs. I distinctly remember an incident almost identical to that when I was in seventh grade, except my teachers did not act in a way that supported me. Maybe you've seen something like that happen in your own life. Write about it!

Activity: Take a Break

Sometimes loving means knowing enough about yourself to know when you need to take a break. Loving is can seem so complicated at times. You feel like you have to give so much of yourself, when really if you're running on Empty, you won't be able to love well. Doing this course everyday can even feel like a lot to do if you're overwhelmed! Our culture tends to give us the sense that if we're not busy, we're somehow failing. We're always go-go-go, but that can be really unhealthy if you're not taking time to recharge yourself!

So today, I want you to take a break. Fill your tank. Do what you need to do to recharge. If you feel recharged by being with people, go out with friends! If you feel refreshed by spending time alone, curl up with a good book, or go outside and spend the afternoon in the park. Recharging looks different for everyone. I know for me, I get mega-drained being around a ton of people, but having a good solid amount of time where I can just be alone is very refreshing for me.

Working at camp last summer was very exhausting for me because I was constantly around a ton of people and excitement. A few weeks into camp I had a total meltdown and I realized that if I wasn't filling my tank and taking time to recharge, I wouldn't be able to fully engage during the times when I was needed. After that, I took whatever little bits of time I could to just be alone and re-energize myself. It was still difficult being around that much activity and so many people constantly, but I was better able to be fully present. There won't be another post today, so don't be tempted to check back later on. Just spend today recharging and doing what you need to do to fill your "love tank." If today is already all booked up, pick another day this week where you'll be better able to spend the day recharging.

Video: Kathryn Schulz on Being Wrong

"This attachment to our own rightness keeps us from preventing mistakes when we absolutely need to and causes us to treat each other terribly. But to me, what's most baffling and most tragic about this is that it misses the whole point of being human. It's like we want to imagine that our minds are just these perfectly translucent windows and we just gaze out of them and describe the world as it unfolds. And we want everybody else to gaze out of the same window and see the exact same thing. That is not true, and if it were, life would be incredibly boring. The miracle of your mind isn't that you can see the world as it is. It's that you can see the world as it isn't. We can remember the past, and we can think about the future, and we can imagine what it's like to be some other person in some other place. And we all do this a little differently, which is why we can all look up at the same night sky and see this and also this and also this. And yeah, it is also why we get things wrong." - Kathryn Schulz

Journal: Write an apology letter

It's hard to admit you've wronged someone. It involves a lot of humility and can be really uncomfortable. Unlike the famous line from the movie Love Story, love does not mean never having to say your sorry. In fact, real love means having to say you're sorry a lot, usually. I think the more you do it, though, the better you get at it. I was very very bad at apologizing when I was a kid and teen. I feel like back then it was almost literally painful for me to apologize or ask forgiveness. I'm getting better at it, though.

For today's journal, I want you to write an apology letter so someone you've wronged. You don't have to give the letter to them if you don't want to. I often find that when I'm trying to communicate something difficult, it's much easier to write it out, than try to fumble through words verbally. I'm much better at writing than I am at talking, and I like being able to write several drafts and edit things so they are clear and mean what I want them to mean.

If you want to write more than one, go ahead! Love is all about reconciliation, and apologizing and asking forgiveness is the first step to reconciliation. Admitting you've hurt someone or done something wrong is hard, but ultimately, leaving the relationship broken by your wrongdoing is worse than just admitting you've hurt someone.

Your Love Language

One of the main things we've been hitting on in this course is that you are totally and completely unique, and that you need different things than other people. The same goes for love. Not everyone feels loved the same way. Some people feel loved when others do things for them, others feel loved when they receive hugs. For some people, gifts don't make them feel loved at all, while for others giving them a gift is one of the most loving things you can do for them! We all feel love differently.

You may or may not have heard of the 5 Love Languages before, but it boils this concept down into 5 different areas that most people feel loved best. They are:

Quality Time

Gifts

Acts of Service

Physical Touch

Words of Affirmation

You'll probably find that one of those stands out most for you, with a couple of others maybe as a close second or third. For instance, My main love language (how I feel loved) is Quality Time, and then after that is Words of Affirmation and then Physical touch. If you're not really sure which one(s) of those areas is your number one, the 5 Love Languages website actually has a cool little quiz that can help you figure it out.

Here are the definitions from the 5 Love Languages website:

Words of Affirmation

Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.

Quality Time
In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.

Receiving Gifts
Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.

Acts of Service
Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.

Physical Touch
This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

Why are love languages important? It's important because if you don't know what someone's love language is, you could be trying to show them love in a love language that just doesn't translate for them. Maybe you know that you love it when you get gifts, so you've been giving someone gifts trying to express your love and appreciation of them, but they don't feel loved through gifts. They feel loved through quality time-- they want to spend time with you, not get gifts from you. That is how they feel loved, when you make an effort to give them your time. A lot of times we think that other people feel love the same way we do and are hurt or confused when they don't respond they way we would with such a gesture. What's being missed in those scenarios is that we all experience love differently. The reason they're called "languages" is that so often someone is trying to express love to us in a foreign love language and we don't understand it.

The better you get at understanding how you feel loved, the more able to communicate that to others you'll be. And you'll seek to understand what your loved ones' love languages are, so you can better love them! If you want, you should ask your loved ones to take the online quiz and let you know what their love languages are.