The Beautiful Variety of Femininity

I read this post by Julie Klausner after it was brought to my attention by one of my followers that she had used one of my photos (the photo above) without my permission in the post and also neglected to credit it or link it back to the source. This kind of thing doesn't really bother me that much because we live in the age of google image search, tumblr, and weheartit where people regurgitate images without any regard for original sources. I read the post that Julie wrote, though, and it really made me think, since so much of what her post refers to is stuff that I run across on a daily basis in the blogosphere. The main point in her post is that women these days infantilize themselves by liking "girly" things like cupcakes and wearing things like miniskirts and converse sneakers. "Women with master’s degrees who are searching for life partners, list “rainbows, Girl Scout cookies, and laughing a lot” under “interests, on their Match.com profiles," she notes. Her main point is that, by creating this image of girliness and frou-frou sparkly-eyed femininity, what we're really aiming for is making ourselves less intimidating to men. That ultimately, our main goal is to not scare men away by reminding them of those little girls they picked on in 2nd grade.

While I think that she does have a point, she makes an over generalization. And maybe I'm taking it personally (since my picture was used as what I'm assuming is an example of how I embody this infantilized girly girl who is un-intimidating to men), but picking out one type of girl and saying that she is the kind of girl we shouldn't aspire to be, is at best non-productive. When I looked at the photos she used and examples she gave of dead giveaways of this type of repulsive girl-woman, I thought of Elsie Larson, who of course loves cute cupcakes, dresses with vintage (maybe girly-girl?) shapes & cuts, etsy shops and so on. But Elsie is one of the most intensely driven, strong minded and impressive women I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. And I would guess that she's very intimidating to men, simply because she's not this wilting flower of a girl that Julie would make her out to be based on her criteria.

Why I have to fit into someone else's criteria for what a woman "should be" to be acceptable to men is the same as men telling me what I should be to have them like me. I won't let anyone tell me who I should be, and I certainly won't let them tell me I should be this or that so that men will like me. If I like wearing rompers and eating FroYo instead of drinking wine and reading Ayn Rand, so what? And what if I like doing both? Are dressing the way I do and being a strong, independent, smart and driven woman mutually exclusive? I say that's bullshit.

Granted, I do get her point. And she has some valid takes on things. Ladies, we should never EVER dumb ourselves down to be more attractive to a man. Don't ever make yourself seem more stupid, a worse driver, not as good at sports, not as business savvy, etc. just so that the man you're with or want to be with will accept you. He should accept you as you are because otherwise your relationship is a lie because you have become a lie. Having dated boys in the past who have wanted me to be that weak, wilting flower of a girl so that they would feel more secure in their "manhood", I know first hand how demeaning and frustrating, even infuriating, that is. Whether they want you to look a certain way, act a certain way, be in a certain career (or none at all), or so on, what they're really saying is, "I'm not secure enough to bask in the incredible power that you exude as a woman." And that, my friends, is a weak man. I believe that we as women have this incredible strength and power built in to us. I mean, lets be real, we have the ability to create and birth another life. How much more bad ass can you get? That power was given to women. But even beyond that, we are resilient, nurturing, clever, loving, protective, and so much more.

I am not going to change who I am, how I dress, what color my hair is, what books I read, what food I like to eat, or anything else because of what a man or a woman says I should be to make a man like me (or anyone else for that matter, gender aside). Who I am as a person should have nothing to do with making men like me. A man should like me because I am working on being the best me that I can be. What that looks like should and will be intensely individual. I feel like it behooves every one of us to take a step back and look at ourselves and ask why we are who we are. Are we being who we are for others, or for ourselves? Are you changing yourself to better fit someone else's idea of what they think you should be?

I want women to feel like they can be contradictory. You can wear feminine dresses and drive a '73 winnebago across the country alone. You can love etsy shops and cupcakes and be a med student in the middle of her residency. You can be a style blogger, run a successful local business, and be a published author. You can graduate at the top of your class with a double major and like baking too. I am going to be the fullness of myself. I'm not going to hide myself. This means not hiding my smart, athletic, fearless side as well as not hiding my feminine, soft side.

If Julie really believed, like she says, that "you can make your own modern womanhood," she wouldn't tell you that you can't be a real woman and like rompers, birds, cupcakes, rainbows, etc. I believe that we are indeed making our own modern womanhood, especially here in the blogosphere, by rejecting the image we're fed over and over again in the mainstream media of what society tells us a woman should be and putting our own voices and images out there and saying, "Look! I am woman. I don't fit in any box and that's okay! In fact it's more than okay, that's how it should be."

Unconventional Sexiness

Sexiness is such a nuanced concept. It's so unique to each individual person that it seems difficult to even discuss on a level that's not deeply personal. Granted, there are certain things that seem pretty universal when it comes to people who have an understanding of their own sexiness, like possessing confidence or feeling comfortable in one's skin, for instance.

I like to feel sexy. It's not something I think about all the time, and it's not really even something I think about very frequently when I get dressed, but I do like to feel sexy. Most days it's not a major part of my thoughts, but some days I just feel a big desire to look and feel sexy. Of course looking and feeling sexy is different for everyone. We perceive sexiness in such a personal way that it's impossible to say that this or that is always sexy (though pop culture would like us to believe otherwise, it seems).

Most of the things I wear, I don't perceive to be sexy. Even on days when I want to look more sexy, I don't really end up looking like a sex pot. For me, feeling sexy is totally independent of male attention. If I wanted to look sexy according to what my husband sees as sexy, I might be wearing something completely different than if I put on something that made me feel sexy. I think that's so interesting! We're taught that sexiness and male attention are interlinked, but really sexiness and feeling sexy are such personal experiences, and sometimes independent of male attentino.

So many of the actresses and celebrities these days seem to take themselves and their sexiness so seriously. They go in Maxim magazine and have these sultry photos in fancy lingerie in order appear conventionally sexy- and by now we all know that "sex sells." It proliferates the idea that we have to be sex goddesses in order for men (and even for ourselves) to think we're sexy. Cosmo tells us all the time how to please men, and what bras and panties to buy to turn our man on, and how to have the best orgasm of our lives. I just wish sexiness wasn't so overt and watered down. We all have unconventional sexiness because we're all completely unique and individual.

It's hard for people these days to find their own brand of sexy, since the entire world (or so it seems) is telling all us girls to show cleavage, shop at Victoria's Secret, take pole dancing classes, and buy KY intense in order to feel sexy. While those things can probably help to some degree, for some women, I think it's a whole lot more simple than all that, and certainly more inexpensive:

Smile more -
Feeling good about yourself is kind of a feedback loop, if you will. The more you smile, the more you feel happy; the more you feel happy, the more you smile! And if you're happy, you're more likely to feel good about yourself and your life. Sexy people always seem to be happy and content with their lives. We all have our problem but if we just try to smile more and be more content with our lives in general, those problems will seem like far less of a big deal.


Look pretty -

Looking pretty is different for everyone. It has certainly evolved for me over the years. If I wore something that made me feel pretty in high school today I probably wouldn't feel pretty at all. Looking pretty is just about putting that little extra effort into your appearance that can give you a pep in your step and make you feel like a bombshell. I know that everyone needs a scrub day once in a while, but pulling yourself together can make you feel more confident- and feeling confident is a huge part of being sexy.

Do something you love -
When you pour yourself into something you are passionate about, your whole life is enhanced. Whether you are lucky enough to get to do what you love as a career, or you give yourself time on the side to do something, make sure you are devoting yourself to a passion. Write and play music, paint, draw, write poetry, run, blog, take photos, do whatever it is that feeds your soul. If you have a job that takes the life out of you and you don't give yourself time to bask in your passions, it will show on your face and your demeanor. A passionate person is a sexy person and that passion will infiltrate every area of your life.

Wear sexy underwear -
This is fun because it's your little secret. Don't let yourself fall into a lull of wearing granny panties. Wearing something really fun and sexy that no one can see can help you feel great without needing a super sexy outfit. Set aside some of your budget to head down to a lingerie shop and buy some cute bras and panties. I remember when I was a little girl helping my mom fold laundry I asked her why she had pretty underwear if no one saw it. She told me that it was so she felt pretty. She'll probably be embarrassed that I shared that, but I remember it very distinctly. Basic underwear is important, but let yourself indulge in a little secret sexiness.

Laugh at yourself -
Don't be so easily embarrassed- it will paralyze you. Let yourself laugh at your own mistakes, and you will be less afraid to make them. The more you allow yourself to take risks the more carefree you will feel. Laughing makes you smile, and remember the first thing I said about smiling! Mistakes are inevitable, embarrassing situations are inevitable (no matter how hard you try to avoid them), so stop trying so hard to avoid the mistakes and dive into life, being prepared to laugh at yourself when you screw up. Screw up, laugh at yourself, and move on with life. The confidence you feel from not being paralyzed by fear is remarkably sexy.

Of course all this is just starters, being sexy is all about your individual personality. Don't buy into the fashion industry, celebrities, and magazines telling you how to be sexy as if sexiness is a one-size-fits-all teddy that you can just slip into. Live your life to the fullest and sexiness will follow you.

Don't let beauty be about others

Beauty is about you. Not what others want to project on you, or what you try to project on yourself. What makes another girl beautiful might not be what makes you beautiful! Because the truth is, you can only be you. How silly would it be for an arm cell to sit around all morose and think to itself how much more awesome it would be if it was a leg cell. And then think of the horror if that arm cell actually took action and decided it was going to take measures to try and be a leg cell! Does anyone know what that's called? It's cancer.

We need to stop looking around at everyone else and wishing we were more like her, or as funny as so-and-so, or had hair like that girl. If we all spent more time cultivating our own beauty instead of trying to be more like other people, I bet there would actually be more beauty in the world. How much more energy would we have to devote to things we love if we stopped trying to be things we're not? I reckon quite a bit.

I've always disliked the idea that you should alter your personal style to please or get attention from someone else. At the same time, though, I think everyone should know that appearances do matter, even if we say we don't judge a book by it's cover. We have eyes for a reason, and no matter how well intentioned people want to seem, we all instantly make assessments based on what we see. Maturity is what allows us to evaluate whether that initial visual judgement is accurate, but it's still true that we make visual judgements almost immediately.

My stance has always been that you should dress for yourself, and if a guy or anyone else doesn't like it, then they clearly aren't meant for you! They way you dress expresses yourself, so why should you change yourself to get someone to like you? Ultimately, you'll just end up unhappy. This doesn't mean that I won't dress up to go on a date, but when I do dress up it is in my own style and in a way that first and foremost makes me happy. When I look in the mirror I want what I see to reflect who I am. I'm not always completely successful, but at least try to I put some effort into it.